"Grow Up"

Let's begin with how my day was at work today. I am uncertain the time but it was most likely around 10am or so when a co-worker, same one who said I was rude for saying "excuse me", ever so kindly (sarcasm) took my table's order when I was near by, whatever, not a big deal. So I put in my code on the computer and allow her to put his order in for me since she already had it written down and that was that.

Roughly 30mins go by and I am going around asking if everyone is okay or if they need refills, etc. The cow..*clears throat* I mean co-worker's section was right next to mine so I stopped there to see if they were okay when all of the sudden they start giving me their order, so I write it down and tell them I'll give it to their server and she'll come back around to see if they need anything else. She took my table's order so surely me taking her table's order was no biggy.

Well, I was wrong. She stares me down with daggers and asks quite aggressively why I took her table's order when she told them she'd be right back, I tried explaining to her that I was just trying to help and they told me their order when I only went over to see if all was well drink wise. My co-worker was not having that! She tore into me as if I was taking money from her or food from her kid's mouths.

Her- "Uhm, why did you do that?"
Me- "Do what? Write down their order?"
Her- "I told them I'd be right back, why would you do that?"
Me- "I was just trying to help"

*she proceeds to rip the order I wrote down out of my hand with an attitude*

Me- "You took my table's order so I just figured..."

She didn't let me finish my sentence and just punched the order in like the computer screen was Rhianna and her finger was Chris Brown.

About 10-15mins pass and I'm dropping off dirty dishes, she comes up to me and says "okay, rewind" and proceeds to apologize to me after she decided that I was in fact just trying to be nice. She was not forgiven, she ruined my entire day and I shook with anger. I cannot handle anger well and I usually burst out in tears but I held it all together, unbeknownst to me I'd later be letting it all out.

-----------------------------After work -------------------------------------

I, sullenly but still somewhat happy to be off work, headed to my love's job to drop off my tips and chat a bit about what had happened at work. Once there and once I purchased some items and told him my story, I asked him when I could quit... That's where more trouble began. He lost his shit.

I don't understand how a question upsets people so much. He angrily replied "You can quit when you have another job", okayyyyy.... I kind of figured that so I don't know why he got upset, so I stated that I believe he misunderstood me and rephrased my question, "When can I start looking for another job?". And then I asked another stupid question I guess because he again got upset. I asked if he read my text msg which asks if I could maybe have a month off before working again. I understand that's a silly question and I did expect to get a no, which would have been fine but I didn't just get a no, he yelled at me and made me cry. I sobbed going out of the store and sobbed harder once in the van.

I didn't speak to him for a few hours and just played video games, he eventually sent me a text msg and I honestly was hoping it was him apologizing for being so angry over nothing. Again, second time today of being wrong with my assumptions. Here's what the text said followed by my replies to him:

Him- "I had some long thing written out about money and shit but I figured it would just be easier to tell you to grow up."

Me- "You've misunderstood me completely. You're turning this into a big thing, more than it really is. You're belittling me over nothing. I first off didn't at all argue with you at the store and secondly I only asked if you saw my msg regarding the month off thing and then you went off on me because you must of gotten confused and thought I was going to argue. You jumped to conclusions and aided in me feeling worthless."

Him- "No I fucking didn't. You can quit [current job's name] when you have another job. Simple as that, end of discussion."

Me- "Telling me to grow up when the main reason I want a time to rest before returning to work is because my mental health is dwindling, that's very hurtful. There is always a way to say things gently and maybe you could even help me find ways to mentally destress but instead you choose to disregard mental illness as if it's a choice to fear people and the outside. I only want compassion. Please. :/"

Me- "Also, that's fine that I can quit my job when I have a new one. I do not have an issue at all with that, never said I did. I asked about having a break, you say no, that's cool. You've gone about this all wrong but I'm willing to work with you to understand what's going on with me more."

No response yet, but I'm sure it won't be anything nice. I've stopped playing PUBG after he sent me that initial msg and then decided to write this. Going to chug my CBD infused flavored water to calm down and then maybe I should try gaming again before bedtime. Tomorrow is my final day until a day off, can't wait for that! I sadly feel I only have video games to love and look forward to because the man I love just doesn't seem to want to help me mentally, he doesn't want to comfort me when I need it the most. Sometimes I miss alcohol but I know I'd miss him more since he would leave me if I ever drank again. I wish he loved me as much as I love him.

"Learn to speak spanish"

Today, while it was a very slow day at work, I had a very rough day. My very first customer ordered poached eggs but did not bother to tell me how he wanted them cooked (medium or hard), so I guessed medium because that's commonly chosen. That was my first mistake. The customer immediately noticed the eggs looked softish and sent them back, I requested HARD poached eggs and when I got them, they were actually EASY poached eggs. Confused, I showed the cooks that I requested HARD poached eggs after I messed up with the order of medium eggs, why did they give me now easy eggs? The cook that did not speak any English looked confused because she thought that's what I asked for, the cook who did speak English defended her saying she didn't understand what I was saying and that I need to learn to speak Spanish. Uhm, no ma'am! That's not how things work here in America, you need to speak ENGLISH here and you need to make these damn eggs the way I requested!

So, once that ordeal was over with and the customer got his correct eggs, I was putting together another order when I over heard the Spanish cook call me a "pendejo" because I put medium on the ticket and not hard. She said that in earshot of me and even looked at me while she said it! I suppose she did not realize I understand Spanish. I mentioned that to my manager and it was swept under the rug like it didn't matter. The rest of the day the Spanish speaker kept insulting me over those damn eggs.

The second mistake I made was right after I had calmed down from the first incident. I took a guys to go order and put it together myself. Everything was put together correctly except that I had hastily forgotten to put the bacon and sausage in the box. The guy phoned my manager and she had to give him a coupon or something because he complained about now being late for work. She was very upset and said "I had to stop what I was doing to deal with this" when all she was doing was chowing down on some food previously in the server alley. A coworker that stated a week or so ago that when I say "excuse me" while passing is rude, chimed in with the shit talk about me. I broke down crying after a customer saw me talking to the buser about the situation and stated that now his waffle is cold because I took too long to bring him syrup because I was "visiting" instead of bring it quickly.

On top of everything, I was not tipped as much today. I made a total of $75 when I normally make way above that even on slow days. I acknowledge my mistakes and I know I only had a bad day because I made mistakes that I should not have made but why do my coworkers and kitchen staff have to be so toxic and vile about it all? Have they never made some mistakes in their life? Sometimes I just feel if they only knew about all I go through mentally, the way I torment myself, they'd be a tad bit nicer. But I guess I can't expect them to understand, some of them don't even understand English.

What's the number to I.C.E?

Update on my life so far...

I suppose it's time for me to update this blog. So much has gone on since my last entry, just haven't really had the time to blog but maybe I should, it could help me.

July 29th, 2018 I quit my job at the Rodeway Inn hotel due to hostile coworkers and I wasn't doing too well with my family doing the overnight shifts. I would come home from work at 7am and sleep until I went to work again at 11pm, my children barely saw me and my fiance was always angry or annoyed about my sleeping. I felt a new job would help, it did for the first 2wks...

I now work at a very popular local restaurant, the money is wonderful and at first I liked everyone but now I really wish I could just be a stay at home mom so that I don't have to deal with hostile women at work. It seems I cannot escape terrible coworkers, they are everywhere, like liberals.

At first I did not want to work there because I knew someone who worked there, she used to work with my fiance at Dollar General but decided being a server was more money. The first week went smoothly if you are willing to ignore the fact on day 3 I cried like a baby in front of everyone because the manager training me made me feel like an idiot because I couldn't remember the one million ingredients in the various different omelettes. The one person I knew there was very quiet and I was hoping to actually be friends with her. Turns out that she presumed I rolled my eyes at her when I swear I never even looked her way or had a reason to roll my eyes at her, so since then she has been very rude and cold to me.

There are 2 guy servers and one guy buser, they are all relatively very nice men. I prefer working with them instead of the nasty and toxic women I am surrounded by. The manager that trained me, I feel she does not like me or anyone really, Wednesday I was 2 mins late due to some construction going on and she had the audacity to threaten me with write ups/termination over being a few minutes late. I just smiled at her and agreed, my smile never faded that day thanks to cherry lemonade CBD extract I had mixed in my monster (terrible combo BTW, always use cold water with CBD).

Well, that ends the update on my job. Let's move on to other updates.

A week ago I cut myself due to severe anxiety, stress and depression. My fiance, the love of my life, accused me of drinking when I most certainly had not! I break under pressure and got very defensive and I am sure he took that as me lying because those who protest are in fact guilty, right? No. I have to defend myself because there isn't anyone in this world who will defend my honor. No matter how much evidence, logic or explanation I provided for him to realize that I was not drinking, he did not believe me and I feel the little bit of trust he did build with me was lost.

And because I KNOW that I am innocent, I felt defeated and lost. How could someone who claims to love me, not trust me? Well, that's because he has no real reason to trust an ex alcoholic. That said, I still felt low and hated myself. If it wasn't for all I've done in the past, he wouldn't feel this way, it was my fault. So I cut myself so many times on my arms and leg, more so on my leg than arm as I am a server and wear short sleeves. I managed to cover most of my cuts with large bandages and everyone at work, customers and coworkers alike, keep asking what happened to my arm. I just feign a smile and lie through my teeth about how the hot pancake plates are made out of plastic and heat up way more than the regular ceramic plates we use, ergo, I have massive burn bubbles under the bandages... Everyone believed me so far. But tomorrow I will go without the bandages since my cuts are healed, hopefully no one can really see the faint scabbed over cuts.

There is plenty more to talk about really but it's getting late and this is getting long. If anything happens negatively at work, I'll update again. Something bad always happens to me at work, so I guess I'll see y'all real soon.

Dreaming to be a stay at home mom

I'm pretty damn resentful but is it justified?

I'm a working mother at a minimum wage job, I work 3 days a week for $7.25, why do I even bother working? It seems like it's absolutely useless to work and make this little bit of money when I could be doing so much more productive things with my time. I'd much rather be a SAHM (stay at home mom) and given household responsibilites. While I do have household responsibilities when I come home from work, I am always tired and hardly get anything done unless I have a few days off. I'd love to have the house clean EVERYDAY instead of 3 or 4/7 days of the week.

My fiance is pretty adimit that I continue working as we are not financially stable for me to be a SAHM, and to a point I understand that but like I said, I'm working a PART TIME MINIMUM WAGE JOB 3 days a week.... How am I even contributing with my tiny paycheck? I feel my qualities are for housework and raising children, not for working out in public. I don't enjoy the company of POMPUS, rude people.

I'd love to do so much more with my life and time than work, sleep, eat, work, and sleep, so on and so forth. I want to make our home life way better than what it currently is, I feel so misreable. I also know that my fiance is misreable as well, not only can I see it on his face but I can also feel it radiating off of him. I'd do anything to make him happy but how can I while working this deadend, shit job?

I wish there was a logical way to convince my fiance that me being a SAHM would be more beneficial than me working, so far I'm not having any luck finding ways that would actually convince him, I fear he'll just continuously say no. Can't he see that I'm so unhappy? I'm depressed and I feel trapped, I don't how to be happy anymore. Not unless he'd allow me to stay home and take care of things like a woman should.

My White Privilege

   Since as far back as I can remember, I've had white privilege. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old and it was very messy. So many court proceedings, arguments, and lack of finances. When my mom finally moved us hundreds of miles away from my loving father and into our own apartment in the worst part of Houston, TX I started seeing how privileged I was. I think the most I've ever realized how privileged I was, was when we couldn't afford food or clothes so had to sign up for welfare (food stamps) and get clothes from Goodwill or the Salvation Army, I can't believe how much being white saved me from worse hardship, who knew? Being in a broken home is definitely white privilege. Let's continue...  

  I truly know I'm privileged when I see that just because I look white my voice doesn't matter. My single HISPANIC mother from Honduras, Central America raised us on food stamps, medical welfare, scraps from Mexican restaurants she's worked at and also raised us around all the drugs she sold to buy us clothes. White privilege is beautiful, isn't it? As a matter of fact, I'm currently on welfare with 3 children myself and don't even get me started on all the speeding tickets I've gotten, the hundreds of dollars I've spent on paying them off instead of putting it towards my children. Look at all that white privilege! Constantly begging my ex-husband to pay child support just so my children can have nice things and working 3 days a week for a mere $7.25.... I'm sooooooo privileged. NOT! 

  Those who actually have any privilege regardless of their race, I'm extremely jealous. So, can you explain to me why people keep suggesting I have white privileged based on my skin color and that MY voice doesn't matter? Below are screenshots that prove unfortunately racism IS alive and well but apparently in only the black community. Many refuse to believe how they're behaving is racist and many refuse to believe that everyone else besides them is trying to abolish racism in the world. Every comment is racist towards me and other white people, we all apparently have privilege where none actually exists. Disappointing we are so divided still after all these years. And yes, unfortunately I lost my temper with one young lady due to her smart ass/racist remarks. I truly regret I could not keep my cool but how else could I have felt or reacted? Also, this all started because of a post about a girl being denied access to changing rooms (for a bra) during closing time, to which they were claiming was a racist action. I obviously disagreed. There's the context. 

 

And then this person refused to even read my "long" reply and have a logical discussion about my apparent "white privilege".  

K1's Transformation

He wont touch me. I kept wondering why, why wont he slap my ass jokingly as he passes by or why wont he 'honk' my boobs every now and then like most guys do... I wondered. Just a moment ago after a mini argument about the subject it was brought to my attention that the reason why he doesn't do those things is because he used to but I would always yell at him or just get really mad. I used to be a bitch. I hate myself, I hate who I used to be. Kim ruined everything for me today.

Let's call this past Kim, K1. K1 did everything she could to get her way, which included ruining peoples lives, making her fiancé unhappy, drinking EVERY night. K1 did all the bad stuff to herself and to everyone around her, she was poison. Well, I can't say K1 was complete shit, she one night got really super drunk and booked a train to Cali for $500 to move and never look back. Drunk K1 thought this was a grand idea, I, K2 still consider this to be a good move, the best move K1 ever did in her life.

The day that K1 arrived in Cali was the day that K2 was born. The sun shined brighter it seemed, the sky was bluer, the dirt (lack of grass due to drought) was grainier and yes I know that's not a word, the air just seemed fresher! Everything was renewed, reborn in my life. I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders and even though I burned some major bridges with family in Texas for moving randomly with my children to be closer to my ex-fiancé, I found peace at last with myself.

Now, I won't say that right off the bat I quit my bad habits... that took a rough few days to wean myself off the devil's sauce (alcohol). Smoking wasn't something that I was majorly addicted to, smoked it every other day really but once I MADE myself get on proper anti-depressant medications the side effects of it aided in my quitting of smoking. Today I smoked a cig and every now I will smoke one but I truly have to force myself to smoke, my body doesn't want to, smoking just relaxes me when I am really mad or stressed.

After a few terrible nights out with my friend or 'supposed' friend Abby, I decided that going out with friends was not a good idea anymore, I've been a homebody ever since and I feel like I should have done this a long time ago. I like not getting into trouble. Speaking of trouble, I stopped doing EVERYTHING that would get me in trouble such as lying, cheating, etc... I will never lie or cheat ever again, not even if my life depended on it. My world revolves around Brian and Brian is also my world, I will do everything I can to show him that I've changed. I do not feel like the same person at all anymore, I feel so happy at times because of this fact but then again I do have bouts of depression because there are some things that come up that are K1's fault and now I'm still being held accountable for her actions even though I've changed completely.

I thought doing all this was going to give me a fresh start. In reality all I'm doing is living a nightmare. K1 is gone from my heart and mind and is replaced by K2 but everyone still remembers all the terrible things K1 did and when they look at me, that's all they see and expect. I am good now, I am better, I am free from K1's toxicity, I've grown up and I'm scared that NO ONE will EVER see that. Quite possibly my life is forever ruined because of K1 and there may not be anything that I can do to fix that but I will continuously try, I will always try to show Brian who I am now and I will try to win his heart again. I love him and I cannot live with out him, it may have taken all these years to realize that he really is the one and I may have fucked up all my chances but at least I know where I belong and who I belong with.

When I was married to Sean my life was so fucked up, maybe that's why K1 behaved the way she did, she was still living in the past. K1 became the perfect person Sean would have LOVED but why? Why did she do that even though they were now divorced? It was an subconscious choice that K1 made and grew into after her divorce but it ultimately affected her new relationship, it became her downfall. After the split with her fiancé K1 continued acting the same way, nothing changed until one night of drinking. She was sad about what happened, she cried and drank more and more, she began drinking while at work and then once off work drinking at home til 5am. K1 was spiraling down a very dark path and as said before in the second paragraph, K1 had a drunken revelation at 3am which changed her life for the better.

Now that all that is said and explained, you can see why I, K2 is very upset with current things. I want to be loved, held, touched, kissed, massaged... I want him to smack my ass jokingly, poke me playfully, grab my boobs, all the typical things and yet he refuses because of how K1 was, he thinks she is still inside me (when really I want him inside me *wink*). She will never come back, she can't, she's dead. K2 just wants to live a normal life now and be happy finally. K2 wants to start over and show the world her bright new, shinning colorful personality and respectable morals. I'm sorry for creating K1 and I wish I never breathed life into her but what's done is done and she's gone now. Can't you see I am different? Can't you see I am willing? Can't you see that people CAN change? Took a tragic and dramatic event to change me but here I am, I am better for not just me and the people around me but I am better for my beautiful children. I'm mostly proud of the fact that I stopped drinking. It was a long journey but I'm finally home, I'm at peace, I'm in love like it were the first time I had met Brian and I want to stay like this forever. I just need him to properly meet K2, they haven't truly been formally introduced.  He might just like her.

Maybe you'll read my blog one day, maybe you're reading it now. I love you with all my heart and after reading a few of my very old blogs from years ago, I see how I felt then and what all I did to you. I can't even properly think of it without tearing up and sobbing. I love you Brian, you're my everything and I lost you. I want you back. I need you back. I am so sorry for EVERYTHING I've done to you, you didn't deserve the treatment I bestowed upon you. You were my best friend and I wish I could call you my bestfriend still but I've fucked that up, you barely tolerate me, how can you be my bestfriend? The way you treat Kira, I want that treatment but I know I don't deserve it and no matter how good I am or what I do for you, you will never believe I deserve your kindness and love. I understand and respect that, I just wish it wasn't so.

I can never stop staring at you, you're so handsome and lovely. I think that I should end this blog early tonight, I keep crying with each sentence I type out. God, I love you so much Brian.