Maybe you'll read my blog one day, maybe you're reading it now. I love you with all my heart and after reading a few of my very old blogs from years ago, I see how I felt then and what all I did to you. I can't even properly think of it without tearing up and sobbing. I love you Brian, you're my everything and I lost you. I want you back. I need you back. I am so sorry for EVERYTHING I've done to you, you didn't deserve the treatment I bestowed upon you. You were my best friend and I wish I could call you my bestfriend still but I've fucked that up, you barely tolerate me, how can you be my bestfriend? The way you treat Kira, I want that treatment but I know I don't deserve it and no matter how good I am or what I do for you, you will never believe I deserve your kindness and love. I understand and respect that, I just wish it wasn't so.

I can never stop staring at you, you're so handsome and lovely. I think that I should end this blog early tonight, I keep crying with each sentence I type out. God, I love you so much Brian.