A Pain Unseen

If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why I feel the way I do.
If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why I cry at night.
If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why every time I choose you.
If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why I am not doing alright.

From your point of view I just whine and complain too much.
But if you could hear my thoughts, you'd see there was much I held back.
From your point of view I always look grumpy and cry a bunch.
But if you could hear my thoughts, you'd see I'm concentrating on trying not to crack.

Everyday I stare at you with admiration and love, unbeknownst to you.
Everyday I mentally stroke your grizzly cheek and kiss your soft lips.
Everyday I wonder if my level of love you have a clue.
But alas, I fear you do not. Broken pieces from my heart I no longer can grip.

I'm hanging on as long and as tight as I can in this world.
Most nights the pain is unbearable and I have no way to cope.
Most nights I sit in the bathroom cutting, watching the blood drip and swirl.
I'm falling into the abyss, I'm losing all hope.

In my entire life I've only really attempted suicide once.
Looking back at that moment, I feel so foolish.
However, back then I really was such a dunce.
Before was not my time, my world was still full of bliss.

I love you with all my heart and yet you love me none.
I have only myself to blame, no one else.
Not a day goes by that I see that you are the ONE.
Loving you is pain I will suffer, this pain is something I've never before felt.

Do you remember that time you surprised me with a kiss?
That moment is stuck in my head, that time is locked.
I will never forget how you made me feel, so much bliss.
But it hurts to remember that, that memory I need to block.

As I type this I am thinking of where to cut tonight.
I am beginning to run out of areas on my body to mutilate.
When I look at myself naked, I look to be covered in some blight.
I'm ashamed of myself, my life I do wish to terminate.

No matter what and if there is life after death, I will love you.
You're my hero, my love, my inspiration to keep going as far as I have gone.
No matter what happens and what I choose to do, I will love you.
If only I were a Time Lord, I could travel back in time and erase all I've done wrong.