"You know why people cut? Because it's a distraction. For the one moment you don't feel all the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is the razor going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm, leg, stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or how fat or ugly you are. You don't think about the way people talk about you behind your back. You don't think about how your family is fighting or your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood.
  And the addicting part? Well, that's when all the hurt and pain comes back. When the cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the build of sadness and loneliness inside you. So you have to do it again, but a little deeper so the numbness will last longer. The pain inside will be delayed longer. And as the pain inside gets worse and worse you have to make the pain outside worse and worse. It's all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain on the inside so you get to control it on the outside." -Unknown

  I've had several people claim that I am being childish due to the amount of emotions that I display on social media, mainly the people on my FaceBook. Is it childish to feel suicidal after losing all hope on remaining sane in this world of hurt and despair? I've lost several followers on InstaGram (not that I care) due to posting emotional descriptions with my 'emo' looking pictures. I get that it can be annoying to CONSTANTLY see someone so depressed and sharing pictures or quotes about self harm or suicide, I get it. By no means am I trying to get unwanted attention or whatever, I just want help and I want the man that I truly love to empathize and grasp how much pain I'm in. I want him to be nice to me, I worship him. I just don't know what to do without him and I suffer from tons of anxiety when it's brought up that we are not really together. Today for example, everything was going so well until his brother made a comment about abusive relationship and my love commented "what relationship?", I'll never forget that. My heart sank and it just.... it just hurt. I know we are not together, I fully know that and I understand that but my heart just breaks every time I am reminded that he will never love me again because of what I did to him.

  If you knew the person I was just a mere year ago, you would not recognize me now. I no longer act like I did before, I don't do the same things at all. My perspective on a lot of things have changed because of him leaving me. When he left me, that was a HUGE eye opener and I realized what a piece of shit lover and mother I had been. I got my shit together and I moved the hell away from all that aided in me being a shitty person and moved closer to him, 1900mi away from my birth place. People have said that what I did (moving) was utterly and completely irresponsible. I can see where they are coming from with that. Albeit, I am a better person now because of moving and realizing a lot of things. I stopped drinking, I barely smoke, I spend time with my kids, I wake up before 11am, I am loyal to no end to this man, I cannot/refuse to talk to the opposite sex unless it's family members, I do NOT go out with friends, I DONT make friends.... I am a loner and that's okay because it's keeping me out of trouble. He will never be proud of me like I am trying to for myself, he is still so ashamed of me, I do not blame him. Every time I tell him that I love him, he is silent. Every time I hug him, hold him tightly, his hands are idle. Every time I sob while holding him and look up into his deep brown eyes desperately searching for an ounce of empathy, he stares blankly around. I deserve this, I deserve this torture.

  I'm running out of space on my short, fat body to cut. I have been cutting everyday, there is so many reasons why I have been cutting. Every day something happens that just makes me wish I were dead already, I cannot stand to live any longer like this but I must. Every day I suffer and I just grin and bare it, I really have no reason to complain as much as I do because I am the one that caused all this pain. "I'm not your man and you're not my girlfriend" rings in my ears daily, I cannot stop remembering that he said that to me in a text msg. He gladly uses my mouth or fucks me when he pleases and I love when he does so but he refuses to let me kiss him, I deserve to be denied such bliss, sex means nothing compared to his kiss. If I was offered all the money or anything I wanted in the world or his kiss or his hug... I'd choose the kiss AND a hug. You never realize how much you truly love someone until you lose them, I hate that I lost him. I always thought we would get married, have kids and grow old together but I've fucked it all up. I will never walk down the aisle towards his grinning face, I will never get to hold a little one produced by me and him, I will never get to grow old with him the way I planned. This is why I want to die, this is why I want to leave everything behind once more but for the last time... I have done him so wrong and fucked my own life up and my children's chance to have a father, I don't deserve to live.  I just can't do it anymore.

  I often wonder what death is really like. Obviously there is no one to take notes from on the subject due to the fact they are dead. The people that have died and came back to life via difibulator cannot truly claim they died, they were not dead long enough to see or experience anything in the great limbo of life and death. Still, I envy those who kissed deaths cold lips. I don't want there to be life after death, when your life is so fucked up as is and you're trying to escape it by killing yourself, you don't want to wake up in ANOTHER world/life. I just want it to be the end and that's that. Here's to hoping there's no Valhalla? I used to watch r/watchpeopledie and was fascinated by the different ways people killed themselves. One of the most brutal ways was having wire or something tied around your neck and hoisting it over a beam and then letting something tug it hard and fast enough to cut your head right off. That's something I am not interested in, I just want a simple but efficient way to kill myself. Pills would be blah, cutting too deep is blah... IDK.