K1's Transformation

He wont touch me. I kept wondering why, why wont he slap my ass jokingly as he passes by or why wont he 'honk' my boobs every now and then like most guys do... I wondered. Just a moment ago after a mini argument about the subject it was brought to my attention that the reason why he doesn't do those things is because he used to but I would always yell at him or just get really mad. I used to be a bitch. I hate myself, I hate who I used to be. Kim ruined everything for me today.

Let's call this past Kim, K1. K1 did everything she could to get her way, which included ruining peoples lives, making her fiancé unhappy, drinking EVERY night. K1 did all the bad stuff to herself and to everyone around her, she was poison. Well, I can't say K1 was complete shit, she one night got really super drunk and booked a train to Cali for $500 to move and never look back. Drunk K1 thought this was a grand idea, I, K2 still consider this to be a good move, the best move K1 ever did in her life.

The day that K1 arrived in Cali was the day that K2 was born. The sun shined brighter it seemed, the sky was bluer, the dirt (lack of grass due to drought) was grainier and yes I know that's not a word, the air just seemed fresher! Everything was renewed, reborn in my life. I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders and even though I burned some major bridges with family in Texas for moving randomly with my children to be closer to my ex-fiancé, I found peace at last with myself.

Now, I won't say that right off the bat I quit my bad habits... that took a rough few days to wean myself off the devil's sauce (alcohol). Smoking wasn't something that I was majorly addicted to, smoked it every other day really but once I MADE myself get on proper anti-depressant medications the side effects of it aided in my quitting of smoking. Today I smoked a cig and every now I will smoke one but I truly have to force myself to smoke, my body doesn't want to, smoking just relaxes me when I am really mad or stressed.

After a few terrible nights out with my friend or 'supposed' friend Abby, I decided that going out with friends was not a good idea anymore, I've been a homebody ever since and I feel like I should have done this a long time ago. I like not getting into trouble. Speaking of trouble, I stopped doing EVERYTHING that would get me in trouble such as lying, cheating, etc... I will never lie or cheat ever again, not even if my life depended on it. My world revolves around Brian and Brian is also my world, I will do everything I can to show him that I've changed. I do not feel like the same person at all anymore, I feel so happy at times because of this fact but then again I do have bouts of depression because there are some things that come up that are K1's fault and now I'm still being held accountable for her actions even though I've changed completely.

I thought doing all this was going to give me a fresh start. In reality all I'm doing is living a nightmare. K1 is gone from my heart and mind and is replaced by K2 but everyone still remembers all the terrible things K1 did and when they look at me, that's all they see and expect. I am good now, I am better, I am free from K1's toxicity, I've grown up and I'm scared that NO ONE will EVER see that. Quite possibly my life is forever ruined because of K1 and there may not be anything that I can do to fix that but I will continuously try, I will always try to show Brian who I am now and I will try to win his heart again. I love him and I cannot live with out him, it may have taken all these years to realize that he really is the one and I may have fucked up all my chances but at least I know where I belong and who I belong with.

When I was married to Sean my life was so fucked up, maybe that's why K1 behaved the way she did, she was still living in the past. K1 became the perfect person Sean would have LOVED but why? Why did she do that even though they were now divorced? It was an subconscious choice that K1 made and grew into after her divorce but it ultimately affected her new relationship, it became her downfall. After the split with her fiancé K1 continued acting the same way, nothing changed until one night of drinking. She was sad about what happened, she cried and drank more and more, she began drinking while at work and then once off work drinking at home til 5am. K1 was spiraling down a very dark path and as said before in the second paragraph, K1 had a drunken revelation at 3am which changed her life for the better.

Now that all that is said and explained, you can see why I, K2 is very upset with current things. I want to be loved, held, touched, kissed, massaged... I want him to smack my ass jokingly, poke me playfully, grab my boobs, all the typical things and yet he refuses because of how K1 was, he thinks she is still inside me (when really I want him inside me *wink*). She will never come back, she can't, she's dead. K2 just wants to live a normal life now and be happy finally. K2 wants to start over and show the world her bright new, shinning colorful personality and respectable morals. I'm sorry for creating K1 and I wish I never breathed life into her but what's done is done and she's gone now. Can't you see I am different? Can't you see I am willing? Can't you see that people CAN change? Took a tragic and dramatic event to change me but here I am, I am better for not just me and the people around me but I am better for my beautiful children. I'm mostly proud of the fact that I stopped drinking. It was a long journey but I'm finally home, I'm at peace, I'm in love like it were the first time I had met Brian and I want to stay like this forever. I just need him to properly meet K2, they haven't truly been formally introduced.  He might just like her.