"Everything that you think is fun requires alcohol or fucking"

This is what he thinks of me because I suggested we have a shot or two while playing Surgeon Simulator. I don't drink anymore but wanted to just have fun with him but my suggestion deems me an alcoholic. This is what he thinks of me. I bug him about sex alot not because it's 'fun' but because that's the closest two people can get and I just want to be close to him. I want our two bodies to become one, I love him. This is what he thinks of me.

This is why I want to commit suicide. I am nothing to him. That is what he thinks of me.

No longer can I concentrate on things I was doing when he said what he said, this is frustrating me because I wanted to continue my debate on TheForumSite.com about aliens being God, etc. I'm just sitting here on the couch, staring blankly at the pulsating cursor on the screen until finally a thought can form slowly. I am so stressed and tired of constantly crying. I want to be happy, I want to actually smile and mean it, I want to fully relax and just laugh. If I cannot just have a shot or two to relax and this is a rare suggestion, then what shall I do? Nothing else but pills can take away the pain and stress I feel. Should I go that route since drinking alcohol and gaming with my best friend is deemed a ridiculous suggestion? Should I just take a bottle of Norco and hide away, accidently taking too many and die?

I don't have much in this dim, sadistic world. Everything that I do is sort of like "damn if you do, damn if you don't" type situation. I feel so pushed away and unwanted, I feel so alone and I'm surrounded by people. I want to feel numb, that's why I USED to be an alcoholic. I thought my issue was fixed, that I was finally being shown forgiveness, kindness and love once more. Oh how I thought wrong. Now I want to drink again, I want to feel numbness again. How can he live in this world so happily? He's just so content with his video games and playing with Kira, what about me? I'm left in the darkness, seemingly moving in slow motion or stuck in a black hole while they walk away at normal pace. I can't grasp their hands, they're fading in the distance rapidly. Is this what it's like to die? Maybe I'm already dead and this is all just a play back of moments in my life. Maybe my body lies somewhere, limp and cold with a reaper nearby cutting away the reel that shows my life like a movie (Black Butler reference).

I can hear my blood rushing through my ears, I'm not dead. So much anger, jealousy, hate, fear, and pain flows through me. I went from being so happy tonight to being so dramatically suicidal in what seems like a heart beat. It is obvious that my anti-depressant pills serve me no purpose, guess I should just stop taking them.

I have no friends, I don't even have a best friend anymore. He was my best friend, he was the greatest best friend a girl could ever ask for. My heart aches for him, my heart wishes he was my best friend again. We used to have so much fun and then BAM! One day it just vanished. I feel like my heart is going to explode, there are so many emotions that are just running around so freely, it almost makes committing suicide tonight possible. I feel like I'm just lingering here, lurking in a world I don't belong in. This post was going to be about something cheerful but like I said earlier, my mood changed rather quickly when he said that hurtful shit and I just deleted everything I had written (just 2 paragraphs) and began this emotionally depressing shit. I'm just feeling so done with myself, I hate myself so much for making him think ill of me. It's all my fault, everything is all my fault and I accept that. I hate everything about me and I'm sure everyone else does too despite having changed completely who I am, I am still no one important. I am not important enough to have my feelings considered. I'm sorry I made that happen, I'm really sorry.

When he upsets me, I get real quite. I don't say a word or even interact with him any longer, I don't ever wish to push my luck and make him angry but I still do because he notices that I get quite or my voice is seldom and sounds sad, so he asks what's my problem and I feel compelled to just say "nothing" because if I truly told him all that was bothering me, he'd just say "whatever" like he always does when he thinks I'm being a pansy ass bitch and be angry at me for having feelings. I hate lying to him about what is bothering me because I promised myself I would NEVER lie to him again no matter what. I rather have him upset with me for not telling him than having him upset with me because of what was bothering me. I love him so much, I do not want him angry. I love his smile, it damn near makes me cry and I smile so hard when I see him smiling. He's such a beautiful man.