K1's Transformation

He wont touch me. I kept wondering why, why wont he slap my ass jokingly as he passes by or why wont he 'honk' my boobs every now and then like most guys do... I wondered. Just a moment ago after a mini argument about the subject it was brought to my attention that the reason why he doesn't do those things is because he used to but I would always yell at him or just get really mad. I used to be a bitch. I hate myself, I hate who I used to be. Kim ruined everything for me today.

Let's call this past Kim, K1. K1 did everything she could to get her way, which included ruining peoples lives, making her fiancé unhappy, drinking EVERY night. K1 did all the bad stuff to herself and to everyone around her, she was poison. Well, I can't say K1 was complete shit, she one night got really super drunk and booked a train to Cali for $500 to move and never look back. Drunk K1 thought this was a grand idea, I, K2 still consider this to be a good move, the best move K1 ever did in her life.

The day that K1 arrived in Cali was the day that K2 was born. The sun shined brighter it seemed, the sky was bluer, the dirt (lack of grass due to drought) was grainier and yes I know that's not a word, the air just seemed fresher! Everything was renewed, reborn in my life. I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders and even though I burned some major bridges with family in Texas for moving randomly with my children to be closer to my ex-fiancé, I found peace at last with myself.

Now, I won't say that right off the bat I quit my bad habits... that took a rough few days to wean myself off the devil's sauce (alcohol). Smoking wasn't something that I was majorly addicted to, smoked it every other day really but once I MADE myself get on proper anti-depressant medications the side effects of it aided in my quitting of smoking. Today I smoked a cig and every now I will smoke one but I truly have to force myself to smoke, my body doesn't want to, smoking just relaxes me when I am really mad or stressed.

After a few terrible nights out with my friend or 'supposed' friend Abby, I decided that going out with friends was not a good idea anymore, I've been a homebody ever since and I feel like I should have done this a long time ago. I like not getting into trouble. Speaking of trouble, I stopped doing EVERYTHING that would get me in trouble such as lying, cheating, etc... I will never lie or cheat ever again, not even if my life depended on it. My world revolves around Brian and Brian is also my world, I will do everything I can to show him that I've changed. I do not feel like the same person at all anymore, I feel so happy at times because of this fact but then again I do have bouts of depression because there are some things that come up that are K1's fault and now I'm still being held accountable for her actions even though I've changed completely.

I thought doing all this was going to give me a fresh start. In reality all I'm doing is living a nightmare. K1 is gone from my heart and mind and is replaced by K2 but everyone still remembers all the terrible things K1 did and when they look at me, that's all they see and expect. I am good now, I am better, I am free from K1's toxicity, I've grown up and I'm scared that NO ONE will EVER see that. Quite possibly my life is forever ruined because of K1 and there may not be anything that I can do to fix that but I will continuously try, I will always try to show Brian who I am now and I will try to win his heart again. I love him and I cannot live with out him, it may have taken all these years to realize that he really is the one and I may have fucked up all my chances but at least I know where I belong and who I belong with.

When I was married to Sean my life was so fucked up, maybe that's why K1 behaved the way she did, she was still living in the past. K1 became the perfect person Sean would have LOVED but why? Why did she do that even though they were now divorced? It was an subconscious choice that K1 made and grew into after her divorce but it ultimately affected her new relationship, it became her downfall. After the split with her fiancé K1 continued acting the same way, nothing changed until one night of drinking. She was sad about what happened, she cried and drank more and more, she began drinking while at work and then once off work drinking at home til 5am. K1 was spiraling down a very dark path and as said before in the second paragraph, K1 had a drunken revelation at 3am which changed her life for the better.

Now that all that is said and explained, you can see why I, K2 is very upset with current things. I want to be loved, held, touched, kissed, massaged... I want him to smack my ass jokingly, poke me playfully, grab my boobs, all the typical things and yet he refuses because of how K1 was, he thinks she is still inside me (when really I want him inside me *wink*). She will never come back, she can't, she's dead. K2 just wants to live a normal life now and be happy finally. K2 wants to start over and show the world her bright new, shinning colorful personality and respectable morals. I'm sorry for creating K1 and I wish I never breathed life into her but what's done is done and she's gone now. Can't you see I am different? Can't you see I am willing? Can't you see that people CAN change? Took a tragic and dramatic event to change me but here I am, I am better for not just me and the people around me but I am better for my beautiful children. I'm mostly proud of the fact that I stopped drinking. It was a long journey but I'm finally home, I'm at peace, I'm in love like it were the first time I had met Brian and I want to stay like this forever. I just need him to properly meet K2, they haven't truly been formally introduced.  He might just like her.

Maybe you'll read my blog one day, maybe you're reading it now. I love you with all my heart and after reading a few of my very old blogs from years ago, I see how I felt then and what all I did to you. I can't even properly think of it without tearing up and sobbing. I love you Brian, you're my everything and I lost you. I want you back. I need you back. I am so sorry for EVERYTHING I've done to you, you didn't deserve the treatment I bestowed upon you. You were my best friend and I wish I could call you my bestfriend still but I've fucked that up, you barely tolerate me, how can you be my bestfriend? The way you treat Kira, I want that treatment but I know I don't deserve it and no matter how good I am or what I do for you, you will never believe I deserve your kindness and love. I understand and respect that, I just wish it wasn't so.

I can never stop staring at you, you're so handsome and lovely. I think that I should end this blog early tonight, I keep crying with each sentence I type out. God, I love you so much Brian.

"Everything that you think is fun requires alcohol or fucking"

This is what he thinks of me because I suggested we have a shot or two while playing Surgeon Simulator. I don't drink anymore but wanted to just have fun with him but my suggestion deems me an alcoholic. This is what he thinks of me. I bug him about sex alot not because it's 'fun' but because that's the closest two people can get and I just want to be close to him. I want our two bodies to become one, I love him. This is what he thinks of me.

This is why I want to commit suicide. I am nothing to him. That is what he thinks of me.

No longer can I concentrate on things I was doing when he said what he said, this is frustrating me because I wanted to continue my debate on TheForumSite.com about aliens being God, etc. I'm just sitting here on the couch, staring blankly at the pulsating cursor on the screen until finally a thought can form slowly. I am so stressed and tired of constantly crying. I want to be happy, I want to actually smile and mean it, I want to fully relax and just laugh. If I cannot just have a shot or two to relax and this is a rare suggestion, then what shall I do? Nothing else but pills can take away the pain and stress I feel. Should I go that route since drinking alcohol and gaming with my best friend is deemed a ridiculous suggestion? Should I just take a bottle of Norco and hide away, accidently taking too many and die?

I don't have much in this dim, sadistic world. Everything that I do is sort of like "damn if you do, damn if you don't" type situation. I feel so pushed away and unwanted, I feel so alone and I'm surrounded by people. I want to feel numb, that's why I USED to be an alcoholic. I thought my issue was fixed, that I was finally being shown forgiveness, kindness and love once more. Oh how I thought wrong. Now I want to drink again, I want to feel numbness again. How can he live in this world so happily? He's just so content with his video games and playing with Kira, what about me? I'm left in the darkness, seemingly moving in slow motion or stuck in a black hole while they walk away at normal pace. I can't grasp their hands, they're fading in the distance rapidly. Is this what it's like to die? Maybe I'm already dead and this is all just a play back of moments in my life. Maybe my body lies somewhere, limp and cold with a reaper nearby cutting away the reel that shows my life like a movie (Black Butler reference).

I can hear my blood rushing through my ears, I'm not dead. So much anger, jealousy, hate, fear, and pain flows through me. I went from being so happy tonight to being so dramatically suicidal in what seems like a heart beat. It is obvious that my anti-depressant pills serve me no purpose, guess I should just stop taking them.

I have no friends, I don't even have a best friend anymore. He was my best friend, he was the greatest best friend a girl could ever ask for. My heart aches for him, my heart wishes he was my best friend again. We used to have so much fun and then BAM! One day it just vanished. I feel like my heart is going to explode, there are so many emotions that are just running around so freely, it almost makes committing suicide tonight possible. I feel like I'm just lingering here, lurking in a world I don't belong in. This post was going to be about something cheerful but like I said earlier, my mood changed rather quickly when he said that hurtful shit and I just deleted everything I had written (just 2 paragraphs) and began this emotionally depressing shit. I'm just feeling so done with myself, I hate myself so much for making him think ill of me. It's all my fault, everything is all my fault and I accept that. I hate everything about me and I'm sure everyone else does too despite having changed completely who I am, I am still no one important. I am not important enough to have my feelings considered. I'm sorry I made that happen, I'm really sorry.

When he upsets me, I get real quite. I don't say a word or even interact with him any longer, I don't ever wish to push my luck and make him angry but I still do because he notices that I get quite or my voice is seldom and sounds sad, so he asks what's my problem and I feel compelled to just say "nothing" because if I truly told him all that was bothering me, he'd just say "whatever" like he always does when he thinks I'm being a pansy ass bitch and be angry at me for having feelings. I hate lying to him about what is bothering me because I promised myself I would NEVER lie to him again no matter what. I rather have him upset with me for not telling him than having him upset with me because of what was bothering me. I love him so much, I do not want him angry. I love his smile, it damn near makes me cry and I smile so hard when I see him smiling. He's such a beautiful man.

  "You know why people cut? Because it's a distraction. For the one moment you don't feel all the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is the razor going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm, leg, stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or how fat or ugly you are. You don't think about the way people talk about you behind your back. You don't think about how your family is fighting or your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood.
  And the addicting part? Well, that's when all the hurt and pain comes back. When the cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the build of sadness and loneliness inside you. So you have to do it again, but a little deeper so the numbness will last longer. The pain inside will be delayed longer. And as the pain inside gets worse and worse you have to make the pain outside worse and worse. It's all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain on the inside so you get to control it on the outside." -Unknown

  I've had several people claim that I am being childish due to the amount of emotions that I display on social media, mainly the people on my FaceBook. Is it childish to feel suicidal after losing all hope on remaining sane in this world of hurt and despair? I've lost several followers on InstaGram (not that I care) due to posting emotional descriptions with my 'emo' looking pictures. I get that it can be annoying to CONSTANTLY see someone so depressed and sharing pictures or quotes about self harm or suicide, I get it. By no means am I trying to get unwanted attention or whatever, I just want help and I want the man that I truly love to empathize and grasp how much pain I'm in. I want him to be nice to me, I worship him. I just don't know what to do without him and I suffer from tons of anxiety when it's brought up that we are not really together. Today for example, everything was going so well until his brother made a comment about abusive relationship and my love commented "what relationship?", I'll never forget that. My heart sank and it just.... it just hurt. I know we are not together, I fully know that and I understand that but my heart just breaks every time I am reminded that he will never love me again because of what I did to him.

  If you knew the person I was just a mere year ago, you would not recognize me now. I no longer act like I did before, I don't do the same things at all. My perspective on a lot of things have changed because of him leaving me. When he left me, that was a HUGE eye opener and I realized what a piece of shit lover and mother I had been. I got my shit together and I moved the hell away from all that aided in me being a shitty person and moved closer to him, 1900mi away from my birth place. People have said that what I did (moving) was utterly and completely irresponsible. I can see where they are coming from with that. Albeit, I am a better person now because of moving and realizing a lot of things. I stopped drinking, I barely smoke, I spend time with my kids, I wake up before 11am, I am loyal to no end to this man, I cannot/refuse to talk to the opposite sex unless it's family members, I do NOT go out with friends, I DONT make friends.... I am a loner and that's okay because it's keeping me out of trouble. He will never be proud of me like I am trying to for myself, he is still so ashamed of me, I do not blame him. Every time I tell him that I love him, he is silent. Every time I hug him, hold him tightly, his hands are idle. Every time I sob while holding him and look up into his deep brown eyes desperately searching for an ounce of empathy, he stares blankly around. I deserve this, I deserve this torture.

  I'm running out of space on my short, fat body to cut. I have been cutting everyday, there is so many reasons why I have been cutting. Every day something happens that just makes me wish I were dead already, I cannot stand to live any longer like this but I must. Every day I suffer and I just grin and bare it, I really have no reason to complain as much as I do because I am the one that caused all this pain. "I'm not your man and you're not my girlfriend" rings in my ears daily, I cannot stop remembering that he said that to me in a text msg. He gladly uses my mouth or fucks me when he pleases and I love when he does so but he refuses to let me kiss him, I deserve to be denied such bliss, sex means nothing compared to his kiss. If I was offered all the money or anything I wanted in the world or his kiss or his hug... I'd choose the kiss AND a hug. You never realize how much you truly love someone until you lose them, I hate that I lost him. I always thought we would get married, have kids and grow old together but I've fucked it all up. I will never walk down the aisle towards his grinning face, I will never get to hold a little one produced by me and him, I will never get to grow old with him the way I planned. This is why I want to die, this is why I want to leave everything behind once more but for the last time... I have done him so wrong and fucked my own life up and my children's chance to have a father, I don't deserve to live.  I just can't do it anymore.

  I often wonder what death is really like. Obviously there is no one to take notes from on the subject due to the fact they are dead. The people that have died and came back to life via difibulator cannot truly claim they died, they were not dead long enough to see or experience anything in the great limbo of life and death. Still, I envy those who kissed deaths cold lips. I don't want there to be life after death, when your life is so fucked up as is and you're trying to escape it by killing yourself, you don't want to wake up in ANOTHER world/life. I just want it to be the end and that's that. Here's to hoping there's no Valhalla? I used to watch r/watchpeopledie and was fascinated by the different ways people killed themselves. One of the most brutal ways was having wire or something tied around your neck and hoisting it over a beam and then letting something tug it hard and fast enough to cut your head right off. That's something I am not interested in, I just want a simple but efficient way to kill myself. Pills would be blah, cutting too deep is blah... IDK.
 

A Pain Unseen

If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why I feel the way I do.
If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why I cry at night.
If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why every time I choose you.
If you looked through my eyes, you'd see why I am not doing alright.

From your point of view I just whine and complain too much.
But if you could hear my thoughts, you'd see there was much I held back.
From your point of view I always look grumpy and cry a bunch.
But if you could hear my thoughts, you'd see I'm concentrating on trying not to crack.

Everyday I stare at you with admiration and love, unbeknownst to you.
Everyday I mentally stroke your grizzly cheek and kiss your soft lips.
Everyday I wonder if my level of love you have a clue.
But alas, I fear you do not. Broken pieces from my heart I no longer can grip.

I'm hanging on as long and as tight as I can in this world.
Most nights the pain is unbearable and I have no way to cope.
Most nights I sit in the bathroom cutting, watching the blood drip and swirl.
I'm falling into the abyss, I'm losing all hope.

In my entire life I've only really attempted suicide once.
Looking back at that moment, I feel so foolish.
However, back then I really was such a dunce.
Before was not my time, my world was still full of bliss.

I love you with all my heart and yet you love me none.
I have only myself to blame, no one else.
Not a day goes by that I see that you are the ONE.
Loving you is pain I will suffer, this pain is something I've never before felt.

Do you remember that time you surprised me with a kiss?
That moment is stuck in my head, that time is locked.
I will never forget how you made me feel, so much bliss.
But it hurts to remember that, that memory I need to block.

As I type this I am thinking of where to cut tonight.
I am beginning to run out of areas on my body to mutilate.
When I look at myself naked, I look to be covered in some blight.
I'm ashamed of myself, my life I do wish to terminate.

No matter what and if there is life after death, I will love you.
You're my hero, my love, my inspiration to keep going as far as I have gone.
No matter what happens and what I choose to do, I will love you.
If only I were a Time Lord, I could travel back in time and erase all I've done wrong.